Welcome and greetings to one and all on the inauguration of this new 2010 forum pertaining to conflict and its resolution!In the past, I have written weekly posts and bi-monthly articles for other organizations, and have taught online Masters classes in conflict resolution for a major university. I think it is now about time that I started my own discussion board.
I hope you are willing to share not only of experiences (good, bad, or ugly), but insights you have learned along the way that would be helpful to others. Over time, we can make this discussion board the place to go for support and encouragement to receive real help with conflicted situations.
To start us off, I will share an email I received. I have long since responded. But now I am interested in your thoughts. What would you say if someone shared the following with you? Let's talk about it.
Dear Ken,
I have been pastor of the same church for nearly half a dozen years. Since I have been here, conflict occurs on a cyclical basis. Every six to eighteen months a small group of people complain anonymously to our elders even to the point of trying to get people to vote me out. This same antagonistic behavior dates back to at least two of my predecessors. One man, for example, sent out a letter to the elders accusing me of everything that has gone wrong in the church, from declining attendance (it is slightly up) to our budget problems (income has increased each year I have been here). I am also being accused of the resignation of some elders (older men who were tired of the complaints and gossip in the church as well as the letters that stir up trouble). In essence I am being accused of anything and everything.
I thought my leaders would see the value in a conflict resolution consultation, but I'm sorry to say, they do not. They are concerned that bringing someone like yourself would only exasperate the conflict whereas they just want to be done with it. In essence, their solution is to put a band aid on the problems, but I can guarantee you that we will be right back facing the same situation in 6 months to a year. There are a number of members who are tired of this pattern and want it to stop.How would you handle such a situation?
Dr. Ken Newberger
I don't think the pastor can be under the illusion of change without an outside consultant. I would point to the fact that the problem consitently comes back. I'm assuming no other avenues have worked (direct confrontation of the antagonists, etc.). Just as we as individuals must be humbled and ask for help from others, the church as a whole sometimes has to admit they need help. In a sense, the elders are passively allowing the behavior to continue. It's too easy to spend time and energy on the discontented, thus taking away shepherding from those who will receive it's benefit. It's unfair for the people who are looking for the pattern to stop to not have an advocate on their behalf. As Shepherd, they need you more than ever to take a stand that others have been unwilling to take. You need an outside consultant, they are a gift to the body of Christ.
ReplyDeleteDr. Ken (and group,)
ReplyDeleteI found this site while searching for conflict resolution training. We have experienced much the same at our church and our elders felt that it would be good for one or more of us to get some conflict resolution skills.
This is a recent change for our leadership team. In the past, our leaders have been "peacekeepers" rather than "peacemakers." Instead of making waves, they have swept problems under the rug. This only defers the problem, it does not solve it.
This is similar to what often happens in marriage. Often an issue is so painful for a couple to deal with that they avoid the problem rather than resolving it. This only delays (and often intensifies) the pain.
The elders need to meet these conflicts head on and (in love)see them through to resolution. Even if "the peace" is disrupted for a time, resolution will bring about a more lasting peace.
One more thing, in my (totally biased) opinion, the elders should have stood behind the pastor in this situation. They should have supported him and defended his character. (That is, if what the pastor shared is true.) They should possess and present a unified leadership. Otherwise, disgruntled people will view this waffling as a chink in their armor and go after it. What kind of love would I have for my wife if I allowed someone to wrongly slander her character without comment?
If I lose the support and backing of the elders, I might as well move on! (If I can't get it resolved!)
Tim (I posted previously but got an error message. Please forgive if this is duplicate.)
Conflict is viewed as evil by so many people, as evidenced by the elders who resist confronting and solving the issue. A single person can ruin the ministry of an entire church or cause a split. By badgering the pastor, who eventually gets tired of it and resigns, the man will render the entire church ineffective.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, if this church is part of a fellowship, a district superintendent needs to come and bring resolution. If it is not, an outside consultant needs to come in. For this reason independent churches often are left floundering in the wake of conflicts.
The man will eventually need to be silenced, even if that means removing him from the church. Titus 3:10-11 says, "Reject a factious man after a first and second warning, knowing that such a man is perverted and is sinning, being self-condemned." He must be stood up to, but it doesn't appear that the elders have the courage to do so. Until that happens, the church will continue to flounder.
The pastor must also examine if he has contributed in anyway to the situation. This can be determined by an outside consultant as well.
The man must be confronted and asked to repent, if he doesn't, he must be removed.
In my own limited experience I've seen too many churches destroyed by conflicts that are handled in the same way dysfunctional families operate. The church I pastored closed because of a man similar to the one described in the situation, who badgered pastors by unkind criticisms.
I appreciate the above comments. In response to Anonymous, needing a consultant and actually getting one are two different things, as the pastor in my original posting experienced. How does one move a board to action?
ReplyDeleteTim, I appreciated your desire for the elders to stand behind the pastor. In that scenario, the board was not united. It takes foresight to put a plan in place for when undesirable situations occur. This is the essence of effective conflict management.
Anonymous #2 - See my comments for Anonymous #1. In addition, your statement about the replication of dysfunctional family patterns in congregational settings is right on the mark!
Thanks All!